Comments on: What Are We Teaching Our Children About Power and Self-Control?

By: Sue Olson

Sue Olson — Sat, 05 May 2007 13:47:02 +0000

that’s a big question…I will add my coment based on the first thing that popped into my head…teach self control by SHOWING self control. It is impossible to be perfect, but try. It gets easier to strive for constant control when you have a small child who does an almost imediate play-back of what they just saw you do. There’s a series of commercials out right now and one of them shows a little girl telling her mom that ‘She’ll handle this one.” She gets out of the car and starts telling off the driver who just cut them off. Kids learn from a lot of places. As a parent it starts with me!

By: sydney

sydney — Wed, 02 May 2007 15:49:58 +0000

You know, I think the person who posted about the social worker who took kids on adventure trips is on to something. I have 3 boys in my household and lately I’ve begun to think that their use of video games is substituting for the real adventures they need in order to learn things like self-control, courage, confidence, etc. So, I’ve begun to shut down the access to the ‘net and gaming consoles in an effort to force them into the physical world.

By: Raising Cain - Protecting The Emotional Life Of Boys

Raising Cain - Protecting The Emotional Life Of Boys — Wed, 02 May 2007 07:13:58 +0000

[...] Steve Olson’s recent post reminded me how worried I was about having a boy. After everything I had read relating to empathetic parenting, I was still anxious about how I could raise a boy to be a man. I wasn’t even sure what it meant to be a man. [...]

By: Jackie Cameron

Jackie Cameron — Tue, 01 May 2007 16:44:13 +0000

I have a son who is now 21 and I remember him as a 13-14 year old —-it wasn’t great! He and his friends have grown into decent young men - which of course is the case for most boys the world over. Personally -as a Mum - I think boys need even more love than ever at that age ( I don’t mean hugs and kisses though in their place they can be very powerful symbols of love) from all of us. I have had the privilege of meeting and working with many boys of the 13-15 age group over the past
few years and I have had some of the most memorable conversations in my life with some of them. I recall a time last year when I was working with a group whose natural leader - a boy of 14 - emerged and dealt with conflict, feedback and taking responsiblity in a way that would put many “grown ups” to shame.
This does not mean that the thump of a basketball against the wall or getting soccer balls out of my garden or backchat and foul language don’t annoy me…of course they do. But let’s cut these guys some slack here!
Love the blog Steve.

By: Sunday Reading - 29 April 2007

Sunday Reading - 29 April 2007 — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 14:00:42 +0000

[...] On another note, Steve Olson talks about What Are We Teaching Our Children About Power and Self-Control. Are we really teaching what our children need to learn? [...]

By: Sunday Reading - 29 April 2007

Sunday Reading - 29 April 2007 — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 14:00:41 +0000

[...] On another note, Steve Olson talks about What Are We Teaching Our Children About Power and Self-Control. Are we really teaching what our children need to learn? [...]

By: Apotek

Apotek — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 06:45:17 +0000

Developing an emotional vocabulary as means of teaching self control to boys, what a fascinating concept. Every time I think about self control I can’t help thinking of Pinochio listening to Gemini Cricket’s wise words. Do what you want or do what you should ? If self control is the inner dialogue between careless desire and wishful becoming being able to speak clearly with your inner ideals is the key to turning boys into men, the key to turning noise into prayers, individualism into humanity.

By: The Weekest Links Urges You To Blow My Dress Up

The Weekest Links Urges You To Blow My Dress Up — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 13:37:39 +0000

[...] In What Are We Teaching Our Children About Power and Self-Control?, Steve Olson asks some searching questions including, Why do so many young males feel powerless? By “children” he is really focusing on boys, and he concludes by asking the heartfelt questions, How do we instill self-control in young people? Where does it come from? I don’t know. I’d like to read your thoughts. Head over there and join the discussion. [...]

By: lornadoone

lornadoone — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 21:11:50 +0000

Gee, my thought was that if you went out and offered them some cookies and aksed a little about their music, they’d probably decide you were ok and would get out of the way, ’cause, you know “he’s cool.” It may be too late for the neighbor lady to do that, though, as it would probably look like she was just “giving in” and might compound the whole power issue. On the other hand, if she had started off by saying “hi,” giving a little wave, or even showing some sort of interest in the boys, they might well never have decided there was a power struggle in the first place. Just treating someone with respect is often enough to get them to do the same for you.

By: Rory

Rory — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 19:18:32 +0000

I very much like the explanation of “slow-playing”. I appreciate that - it is a great way of illustrating this attitude.

They aren’t doing it to make you feel bad, they are doing it to make themselves feel powerful. I’m not sure of the truth of this statement. In the very young, I can see your point - especially if “feel powerful” is synonymous with “grasping for independence” - but in young adults, and the prison population, to make yourself feel powerful, surely there is an inherent desire to make the other person feel bad.

Your neighbour’s reaction is exactly what they expect. I imagine she embodies their view of how all adults view them. I’m not sure that she is doing your neighbourhood much good.

Why do so many young males feel powerless? How do we instill self-control in young people? Where does it come from?

I think Dan Kindlon & Michael Thompson strive hard to provide the answer in their book Raising Cain - Protecting The Emotional Life Of Boys In it they say, “We expect too much, and we expect too little, of boys - we demand more at times than they are developmentally able to give while at the same time lowering expectations of self-control, empathy, emotional honesty and moral responsibility.”

These are Kindlon and Thompson’s 7 points, What Boys Need.

1. Permission for an internal life, approval for the full range of human emotions and help in developing an emotional vocabulary.

2. Recognise and accept the high level of activity in boys.

3. Talk to boys in their language. Be direct with them. Use them as consultants and problem solvers.

4. Teach boys that emotional courage is courage, and that courage and empathy are the sources of real strength in life.

5. Use discipline to build character and conscience, not enemies.

6. Model a manhood of emotional attachment.

7. Teach boys that there are many ways to be a man.

Young men need their feelings accepted and validated, the whole range of emotions. There is a danger of boys becoming emotionally illiterate. With empathy this can be avoided.