The Hidden Inner Life of Existential Depression
by Steve ----Bookmark on del.icio.us----I am going to share something personal, with the hope that some of you who have had similar experiences will understand you are not alone.
I, like many other people, have episodes of Existential Depression. Some call it psychic pain. Sometimes events trigger an episode and other times it is spontaneous. About the time I started blogging, I thought I had it beat, but I didn’t. It came roaring back in February.
I first encountered existential depression was when I was about five years old. Kristi, a Kindergarten classmate, and I were sitting on a grassy knoll overlooking a stream that cascaded down a rocky embankment into the Red River of the North, feeding each other kernels of popcorn while we planned our lives together, promising we would marry and have a family. A few days later her father died alone in a single vehicle accident on a remote rural highway. When I realized her father was never coming back, I walked back to the knoll where Kristi and I had made our promises. I looked at the stream, and I saw something caught in the rocks… the empty bag of popcorn we had shared… I picked it up, held it in my 5-year-old hand, and sobbed as I thought… when we shared this popcorn… Kristi’s father was still alive… and now the bag is empty… gone forever… like the moment on the knoll… like Kristi’s dad… what’s the point if everything ends up empty.
Another episode happened a few years later in grade school, when a teacher taught me the importance of protecting the environment for future generations. About the same time, I was obsessed with Astronomy and my father took me to the local university astronomy club where I learned about the life cycle of stars. When I discovered that our sun will one day become a Red Giant and engulf the entire earth, I thought… what’s the point in saving the planet if it’s just going be incinerated anyway? It’s just a matter of time. What difference does it make if it’s next year, or billion years? The outcome is still the same.
The latest episode was spontaneous starting in March with an abstract thought I had about passing time that I can’t justify with words, but I can give you an idea…
We never actually experience the present, by the time it has registered in our minds, it is the past, and since we cannot relive the past, we can’t possibly live in the present. It isn’t even happening right now; it happened a millisecond ago, so we are constantly losing it, and everything we think we know is really only a memory in our imagination. It was a feeling that we are constantly falling away from everything in our lives, and even our hopes for the future are gone as soon as we reach them, so what’s the point? We are constantly losing everything because as we move through time we can cling to nothing, and our experience of it may be pure imagination.
I hope that didn’t sound too weird. And, no, I don’t do drugs.
It’s been easier to work around this in the last few years, because I know what it is and that it will eventually end. When I was younger, it was different, I’d lash out at people, separate, and isolate. Today it isn’t as acute.
An event based episode occurred in 2005…
In early August of 2005, I read an article on Yahoo News about Sonette Ehlers the inventor of the RAPEX condom and it was the beginning of a massive downward spiral.
I won’t go into details about the device, except to say it is meant to prevent rape and identify the attacker.
I agree with Sonette and her advocacy of this device, but I had to question why…
Why did Sonette, a South African woman, invent this device? What drove her to dedicate so much time to developing this product?
That’s when I discovered the rape epidemic in South Africa… and I couldn’t understand it. Some surveys indicated that 20% of the men in South Africa had raped a woman.
So I dug deeper, and I discovered stories of farm murders, genocide, and indescribable atrocities. I immersed myself in the history of the region – Apartheid, Racism, Tribalism, Colonialism, Genocide, Boer War Concentration Camps, etc. I read The Covenant - 2000 pages by James Michener , so I could better understand this insanity. I had to make sense of all this hate and violence. Why? Why? Why?
Then Katrina hit…
And I slid into a long existential depression…functional…but…crushing.
Many of these bouts begin with anger – a righteous indignation over some horrible injustice. Since the anger is futile and targeted at things I cannot control, the anger turns inward and becomes depression.
I knew I couldn’t change history or end the crime epidemic in South Africa. I knew I couldn’t change the fact that Katrina wiped out New Orleans and dozens of other cities. But I couldn’t deal with the unfairness of this all. I couldn’t understand how my life… my family’s life… my neighbors lives… could be so good… unaffected by these tragedies. I felt tremendous guilt for having it so good, while people were being raped, burned, and drowned. Life seemed meaningless in the face of injustice.
When I try to share my thoughts with someone else, and they recoil in horror, wanting nothing to do with it, it drives the depression even deeper. All my life I’ve gotten responses like… “Why do you think about that shit? Please Stop.” or… “Quit being all philosophical and pass me a beer.”
Eventually I get past an episode, and I don’t know how, except it’s a bit like grieving, I just have to give it time. Today, I try to avoid the news because it is a potential trigger.
I realize almost everyone feels bad for victims of violence and disaster, and I’m not saying that I feel worse than anyone else. I’m just saying that I have repeated this cycle since I was five years old and I haven’t found a way to end it. I’ve dug myself into deep emotional holes over things I can’t control.
Why sit around vomiting over South Africa? I can’t fix it. The people that live there can’t fix it… they would if they could, and I pray they find a way.
Maybe if I just accept who I am – both the positive and the negative – and that these cycles will be part of my existence – it will help. I’ve discovered that if I focus directly on my pain (both emotional and physical), instead of trying to avoid it or deny it, it doesn’t hurt as bad and I recover quicker.
I am quite lucky because my episodes are mildly debilitating. Unlike many others, I can get out of bed, show up to work, and get things done. In fact when I am in a depressed state I can be a much better problem solver… or problem identifier…or opportunity catcher…whatever you want to call spotting negative shit. But depression kills my positivity and it will show in my posts… from time to time.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:11 am
Wow,, well I can’t say I have any empathy but i understand.
i know i don’t know you but if there is anything i can do from VIA ways please ask!
I would love to help!
infact i was slightly depressed but nothing i couldn’t talk my self out of but i did stumble on a web site that was very inlightlening!
check it out
coping.org
text based site!
great for soul searching too lots of questions!
June 5th, 2007 at 7:19 am
I think anger and depression are correct responses to such horrific events and facts of life.
I too suffer from these episodes which either result in anger, depression or often manic laughter (i have no idea why, everything just seems ridiculous all of a sudden, when you put into the grand perspective of the universe and all of time).
I think the only way to deal with it is to occupy yourself with other things. Since i got a more challenging job as a programmer they are far less frequent. You could say I’m busying myself with irrelevant things in order to stop myself thinking about the bigger picture, this is true, but it’s easier and happier… it’s just finding the damn off switch that can be a problem.
I appreciate it might not work for everyone, but we’re all in the same boat, no-one is perfectly sane, we’re all just trying to get as close to it as we can.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:28 am
Steve, I don’t think your post is in any way, irrational. I think everyone has had similar reactions to things in their life.
I’ve had emotional meltdowns, too. I has a spontaneous crying breakdown three years ago when I read a webpage detailing the story behind Elton John’s “Empty Garden.” My wife was a week from the birth of our second child, and I had just been terminated from a great job and my benefits cut. Were they related? Maybe. I still had the breakdown.
When I was 10, a wonderful family friend died. I prayed to God for hours that I would have died instead of him. It seemed perfectly natural to me to do this. Whether I was influenced by some movie or something I had read or whatever, I still did it.
To glorify the past (at least, the parts were remembering) is human. And it sells big time, too. The nostalgia industry in America is huge.
It takes time to accept things. I like your idea of acceptance, and I hope you’ve talked this over with your wife before you blogged this. She will understand you’ll need to say it four or five times before you believe she’s hearing you, even though she’ll say she is. That’s what happened to me. Then, you’ll have some peace.
I think back in the day, they’d call you a hopeless romantic…
June 5th, 2007 at 7:31 am
Steve, you are not alone in this. I am the same way. I can’t watch the news - it is too depressing. When Katrina happened, I ended up watching, and was depressed for weeks afterward. I also am afraid a lot. Even if my life is fine, I am aware of the many people who have horrible lives, as you described, and I wonder what prevents those horrible things from happening to me. I try not to think this way too much, but as you say, sometimes you can’t stop.
Sometimes people say that if you are feeling bad, you should think of all the people who are worse off than you. I think this is a stupid idea. Why would it make me feel better that people are worse off than me? It makes me feel a hell of a lot worse.
I think people like us are just overly sensitive and just have to learn to live with it. I do feel that people’s traits tend to balance out - a bad trait and a good trait will be flip sides of each other. So I think there is probably a good side to this over-sensitivity, and the bad side is the price we have to pay for it. I don’t think I would change myself. Good luck, and I hope you continue to find your way out of the depressions.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:44 am
You are not alone in your depression or in your lack of other people to empathize with you.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:01 am
life is a buddhist sand painting, I guess get what joy you can, while ya can, cause we all go back to the dust eventually.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:07 am
Steve - we share some common ground here as well… I often have “existential moments” where all of a sudden I realize how little certain things really matter in the grand scheme of existence.
Like you, this questioning started at a very young age: I remember talking with my father about suicide (i.e “what’s the point of living?”), which really freaked him out. I’m not sure what lead up to the discussion: I wasn’t contemplating the act so much as thinking through things on a more philosophical level. It’s really tough to pull yourself out of the downward mental spiral brought on by considering issues like these.
I’ve recently been doing a lot of reading and study on Buddhism, which is a philosophy I’ve previously not considered at great length. Once you get past some of the superficial exotic cultural / quasi-religious aspects, the whole system of thought is really a deep examination of the existential problem, how we can recognize it, and how we can act in such a way that it ceases to bear down on us.
If life is pervasive dissatisfaction / suffering (”dukka”) and that suffering is caused by attempting to grasp hold of things that are essentially transient, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to recognize the truth and cultivate a true mindfulness of the present moment and work to rid ourselves of habitual attachments to impermanent things. That practice frees us to do the best work we can in the world, free of the weight of existential depression.
I’m still studying this, but I find the philosophy extremely interesting and promising. For a good introduction, check out “The Monk and the Philosopher” by Matthieu Ricard and Jean-Francois Revel.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:20 am
Josh,
Thanks. I’ve been studying Buddhism too. I find many of it’s teachings quite powerful. I’ll check out “The Monk and the Philosopher.”
Right now I am reading the “Essential Drucker”… per the PMBA. Man! is that a good business book.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:42 am
I’ve had the same issues for decades now. For me it’s truly a chemical imbalance - but it does a good job of fooling me - again and again. I would focus on a negative theme or issue for a certain period of time and then a new theme would enter my mind and I would feel a burst of persistent optimism. Ended up to be more tied to a clock than the real world. Is the glass half empty or half full? It will always be both.
Here are some of my very convincing negative issues over the years:
The conclusivity of inference - the real truth can never be completely proven - how can you really believe in anything? What is the foundation of thinking the past will repeat itself based on inferred rules? Inference feels like a lie.
Nihilism - in the greatest sense of truth values are are subjective. You can never prove a value is worthwhile. You are left with nihilism.
People can be fooled and tricked into being evil - you can never really trust anyone, because under the right circumstances anyone will turn on you.
On the “happy flip side” I would wake up one morning being overwhelmed by thoughts of:
The reality we believe to be true is for that time reality for us. It is real. And this is perfectly suitable. You can only believe what you do in fact believe.
The defeat of nihilism - we are ingrained with genetically evolved characteristics that make us care about our happiness and the happiness of others. Re-enter ethics and morality. We are literally wired that way.
People are all looking for the truth - those deceived can be shown the truth and trusted and loved.
——-
Both sides of the same coin…. both caused by ping-ponging chemistry. People usually stabilize. Those that dwell on “higher issues” and are stuck being unhappy or happy usually have their thermostats broken. Their points are valid, but their reasons for dwelling come from the inside and when they are existential - often out of their easy control.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:53 am
I can relate to this. You might find some consolation in the writings of Epictetus (start with the “manual” aka “enchiridion”). In short–try to understand the distinction between things within your power and things that are not, and don’t concern yourself with the latter.
I think there’s something to this, although it’s difficult to discern what is truly beyond our control.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Empathy. It’s a bitch. But I actually find this passage of yours heartening. Take a look at the other side of the coin you present here.
“We never actually experience the present, by the time it has registered in our minds, it is the past, and since we cannot relive the past, we can’t possibly live in the present. It isn’t even happening right now; it happened a millisecond ago, so we are constantly losing it, and everything we think we know is really only a memory in our imagination. It was a feeling that we are constantly falling away from everything in our lives, and even our hopes for the future are gone as soon as we reach them, so what’s the point? We are constantly losing everything because as we move through time we can cling to nothing, and our experience of it may be pure imagination.”
Yes. Probably is imagination. And I will echo the previous comment by Josh. In the Buddhism I practiced for many years the council was, “Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy and [polish your spiritual life] no matter what.”
June 5th, 2007 at 9:02 am
Richard Bach, the author of “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”, had an excellent analogy in one of his books (can´t remember which one, sorry). If you fly with your plane into a fog bank, you can loose yourself completely to worrying about that 747 you had on your radar 300 miles away, entering that same fog and maybe crash. OR Try to get a grip on to your own situation and do your best to keep you from that fate. “No man is an island” - i know - so become an example to others “to care the best you are able to about that one square meter surrounding you”
by the way ^^
…despite the mundane cover art, “Hardcore Zen” by Brad Warner is a nice short read about Buddhism.
June 5th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Maybe emotions are like leaves and we grow and shed them when we go through different stages or seasons. In which case, there is no right or wrong, there are just maples, oaks, pines…
Nonetheless, if you find it’s too much, a great therapist can talk things over with you and help you find acceptance and understanding of yourself, the world, whatever else is out there beyond the world - or at least your feelings and views on it.
June 5th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Found your post on Reddit.
My depression is usually triggered by realizing that I’m alone in my body. A sort of solipsism creeps over me and I start questioning the foundation of consciousness. Why are we self-reflective? What’s the point? Once I die, my experience ends. And so on.
The other experience that was jarring was how to think of my brain. Do I even have a ’self’? Isn’t it just billions of neurons acting for their own good? That made me feel that we don’t really have a freedom of choice.
I’ve come to understand that the people who suffer these episodes are almost solely intelligent people, and that perhaps it is just a curse for being able to ponder such imponderables. It’s not that other people can’t really fathom what it’s like until they experience one; I believe that most people aren’t able to.
Thank you for this post. We’re not alone, and we’re intelligent enough to reason through it. An old saying -
First you realize that nothing matters.
Then you realize that even that doesn’t matter.
June 5th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Hi, Came here through reddit.
I could totally relate to your experience….even I had a similar one, and lot of my friends made “fun” of it….later they started getting scared about it. One even went to the extent of suggesting that I should check with a psychiatrist.
But, sometime in that stage, when I was extremely unstable…I stumbled upon ‘zen practice’. Initially I used to ignore such things as “spiritual stuff” …..this time I just wanted to see what they were doing.
The practice is exactly the same thing which you described ..”accepting pleasure and pain without any resistance”….that is the only way to eliminate “suffering” …it is their theory.
We cannot avoid pain in life….trying to avoid that is our ignorance…that is why most people suffer and they are caught up in mental distress…rather we should cultivate inner strength and knowledge to face with equanimity.
My two cents! Good luck! :)
June 5th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Well, you’re off to a good start if you want to practice buddhism. People do stupid stuff, suffering sucks. If we’d stop to take a serious look at life we might see it differently and be able to develop compassion, kindness and other nice things (Samsara, dukkha, shamatha/vipasyana).
Cheers.
June 5th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Here’s a zinger that hit me while I was walking through the town I lived in ten years ago or so.
We only see things in a pretty narrow spectrum of visible light because our eyes are evolved that way. It doesn’t reflect — no pun intended — the reality of what is in front of us. If an alien came to see the same thing, he might see it just as different densities of mass for example. I tried to imagine that in my mind’s eye and it is all dark, every surface or shape is unrepairably matt black all the same. Even the people are just isolated matt black ellipsoids moving around meaninglessly on a matt black street. This laptop’s screen shows nothing to such an eye only the dark uniform surface of it. The black sky is open to the black space except for maybe a black cloud. The imagination took the edge of a terrible hopeless vision, like some Poe story talking about going a step too far and I was dogged by it for some weeks, studying peoples’ faces while they talked and seeing how it was with eyes that did not use light.
But at that time I was going through a break-up that involved my two daughters. I think all of these preoccupations need to be looked at closely to unpick what is attractive about them that they soak up so much brain time, and once understood it takes the edge off them.
June 5th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Steve, what you’ve described is exactly what got Guatama under the Bhodi tree.
June 5th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I can’t say I’ve been exactly where you’re coming from Steve, but I used to be quite depressed in a very similar way. It was never debilitating, partly because for a while I was medicated, but mostly because I found a method of escapism. You are an extremely intelligent person and - regrettably - intelligence punishes itself.
You have to force yourself to filter your thoughts and find a method of escapism. The best way to achieve the former is to abolish any existential or depressive thought from your mind as soon as it enters. For escapism, find a few books on meditation. The mind is a muscle and you can train it just as you can train your body for marathon running or lap swimming.
June 5th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
It sounds like a lot relates to anger relating to things you can only do so much about. I go through the same things. It’s had a lot to do with why I’ve developed the life philosophy I have. Occasional trials of St John’s Wort can help. As was said earlier, there is a chemical element involved, even if you don’t have clinical depression. They say Abe Lincoln was depressed much of his life.
Buddhism does have a lot to teach. I’ve never been able to embrace it completely because a lot of it seems the result of the Buddha’s personal history. Rich, never seeing pain or death. Then when he does see it he goes on a personal search for meaning and, deciding there is none, that all is suffering, and the cure is to get off the ride. I don’t think so.
There is suffering. There is pain. There is also joy. As you say, in the grasping we turn it to pain also. I would that it were as easy to live without grasping as it is to talk about it.
June 5th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
I would just like to share the fact that I’ve gone through a virtually identical experience.
Most of my time in high school and in college was consumed by the question, “What is the purpose of life?” and questing for the answer.
Religion did not hold the answer.
I finally realized that the question, as phrased, cannot be answered. To assume that all life on this planet shares 1 single dominant over-arching purpose is a fallacy. Is it logical to pretend that a human being and a petri dish of bacteria share the same purpose in life?
If you accept that the answer is No, then the next step becomes clear. It becomes equally ridiculous to assume that all human beings must share the same purpose.
The correct parsing, therefore, is “What is MY purpose in life?”
And since this is something that each of us must answer for himself or herself, to his or her own satisfaction, then that means: the answer to the question was within you all along. You just needed to elucidate it.
I offer this story to everyone who has sought The Meaning Of Life and come away from the search empty-handed and depressed. You have been casting the net too wide, and instead of catching any fish, you’ve been trying to lift out the entire ocean.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
They haven’t been crippling, but I’ve had a few existential funks in my life. Like some other people I know, they first started around the beginning of university. Maybe it’s the curriculum that brings it on.
They usually last a few weeks. I find directly addressing the issue by reading about it (e.g., about existential philosophies) makes it go away. It’s like your mind was curious about the issue and dwelled on it until you satiated it… On the other hand, trying to deny the feelings keeps them going.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Rick,
I like Buddhism too, but I can’t take it all the way.
I don’t know if it is chemical or not. I beginning to think I am supposed to be negative sometimes and that I should quit worrying about it. As long as one is functional, and takes care of resposibilities, is not suicidal, what is the problem?
I find the whole problem of existence the most fascinating problem of all… or should I call it an opportunity? Unfortunately sometimes it depresses me. There I go again, maybe it isn’t unfortunate at all. Maybe it is a golden opportunity.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Thanks for sharing this with your readers. I can only imagine how this feels, as I really haven’t experienced the depression associated with some of your realizations. I do understand how all our experiences are based on our limited perceptions, be it our senses or even our awareness of time - but that’s all we have to go on. But we are aware of these limitations even though we can’t experience life without them, so maybe there is a part of use that HAS experienced it at some point - and that’s how we can be aware of it.
One similar experience that I had recently while waiting at a stop light was the awareness that, ultimately, I am completely alone. There is no one else in my head with me, and everything and everyone out side of myself is experienced through a faulty lens and as such doesn’t really exist. It was almost a suffocating feeling. But the light changed, life went on, and I managed to distract myself with the day’s activities to get by. Even thinking about it now, I don’t feel the same panic that I did at the time.
Well, I don’t claim to have the answers, but your postings seem to be a good outlet for yourself. Maybe through exchanges of ideas with others we can find the coping mechanism that works for ourselves.
June 5th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
I think a lot more people suffer with this stuff than you think, but most of society isn’t receptive and people suffer silently. On top of the social stigma, I don’t think there are any real answers, so we stop asking and close up. Good luck.
June 5th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I’ve been there too. And, as others have noted, the trick is to enjoy things while they last, and to move on when they’re gone. The sun will eat the earth in a billion years, but I’ll keep enjoying it in the mean time.
June 5th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
response to Cenobite:
“I offer this story to everyone who has sought The Meaning Of Life and come away from the search empty-handed and depressed. You have been casting the net too wide, and instead of catching any fish, you’ve been trying to lift out the entire ocean. ”
so very very well said. That’s really quotable. Thank you.
and yes I am dealing with my own existential depression and struggle to see a purpose or point to a finite life. I am coming to find my own purpose, and to appreciate life to a greater degree BECAUSE it is so limited and precious…but, it is still difficult to deal with.
June 5th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Don’t worry, eventually you’ll be dead and nothing you ever did will matter. Even the kings and emperors will testify to this truth. All the existential bullshit that you perceived in your mind will be replaced by other bullshit that you can’t conceive about issues that don’t exist. All issues you worry about will eventually cease to exist. Time will go on, people will live, they will eventually all die. Given enough time the universe will cease to exist and perhaps be reborn to do its thing again.
In the moment, in your lovers arms, in your grandfather’s eyes, all of our misery melts away and you can see that there really isn’t that much that is that meaningful other than a moment. That all of our worries are mere drops in the ocean of existential nihilism, that our truth is much scarier than our imagined fictions. The flowers bloom and then die, they disappear — having performed their purpose in driving the engine of life. It’s simply a dance, a performance, in the scheme of things a movement, with no real purpose other than its form, that’s its truth.
Our truth is different, of a perceived nature, of an imagined meaning, for the real meaning is evident from the fact that all things are born to die, that death is the only logical conclusion to birth. Chaos may be the constructive force of change. If something is killed, something new will replace it, that energy is never wasted and the transformation brings change — the change that it brings can be interpreted as good or bad but that’s not its purpose; its purpose is to change. I could keep dwelling, but the point is this, your worrying is illogical and not well founded because the nature of the universe the biggest tragedy — that all life dies, that all relationships fail, that everything you do can be wiped out in a single moment or over centuries. All we have is the moment, and we are free to create our own meaning in it as we so choose — it’s ours; it belongs to us. The universe does not weep for its morality is to change, at the cost of destruction.
June 5th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
OMGZ ANOTHR LONG SET OV PARAGRAFFS O NOESSS!!!11!
This sounds a lot like what I went through when I was 10. For the duration of about a year, I would lie wide awake in bed drenched in a sweaty panic, both my body and mind tossing and turning as it fiddled with the concept of infinity; an everlasting life after death and where mine would be spent, and how meaningless everything in this life was when “in the end everybody dies”. This went on every night for maybe, I’d say, 3 hours on average, and continued mildly in my mind during the day at school and at home until one day I hit a wall and resolved the whole matter with “I may fall asleep and wake again an infinite amount of times, but in waking there is the comfort of finding sleep again someday, and in sleeping the comfort of waking”.
In actuality, it was never that refined and I only put the concept into words just now, but since then I’ve been a deeply philosophical person and at once an optimist, a cynic, and apathetic. And as for everyone’s individual interpretations of life (as people seem to be so dead sure about them) - they’re all right and wrong. Life is everything/nothing/something/anything/prefix-thing. It just sucks that you’re still consumed in this inescapable thought problem.
Something that helps to know is that while there are a lot of fucked up situations there are also opportunities everywhere to make fun of them. In other words, it helps a great deal not to take everything so seriously.
On another note, I’d recommend picking up a reefer or some stamps or maybe some shrooms and seeing if you get anywhere with these. Just make sure these troubling thoughts aren’t a symptom of latent mental instability - if so, disregard the preceding sentence.
Best Wishes, MJ.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
you’d would probably believe the place I was in - I’m on the other side now where the sun shines, I smile a lot and I’ve never been this consistently happy, ‘level’ and confident in my ability to handle what life throws at me, ever.
Wanna know what it was?!
It was ‘the Secret’ - lol. Honestly though, it was NLP and especially Richard Bandler’s videos, mp3s and various books. NLP provides a tool box of things to do when an episode or pre-cursor to an episode arised. Firstly, the tools I learnt were coping mechanisms, the further tools I’ve since learnt have improved my quality of life beyond anything I could have imagined possible when I was at the lowest points.
All I did was talk/write about my depression or try to ignore it for many many years - NLP gave me practical and quick to learn things to do, that work in a VERY short period of time (2 or 3 minutes in some cases). I changed the negative feelings from a major incident in my past that regularily affected me (to something that I now smile at) in 2 minutes flat - I needed convincing NLP worked (I’m a born cynic and had tried pretty much everything) and it was that first time, that proved it’s worth and practicality. I’ve since used the same technique for many other incidents as they arise in my mind or create feelings in my body and, metaphorically speaking, it feels like I’ve taken the shackles off and can now breath and move with freedom.
I hope this ‘leads the horse to water’ - try it, buy a book or get the videos, or both!
I wish you the very best.
June 5th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Existentialism (at least, the stark Existentialism of Sartre) says: There is no God, there is no reason, there is nothing but ourselves. How terrible!
Zen Buddhism says: There is no God. There is no reason. There is nothing but ourselves. How marvellous!
June 5th, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Interweb opinion # 77.105.107.101-77.117.114.112.104.121
I just HAD to pop in my 2 cents, so here goes.
Disclaimer: I’m not a medical doctor, psychiatrist, spiritual guru, or any other sort of significant person. Also this is far too long, I wouldn’t recommend reading it (at) all.
First and foremost, having read through the comments - there seems to be a general consensus (or at least nobody has bothered to reject it) that finding an escape is the proper method of dealing with your problem(s). Be it learning how to shut out your thoughts and feelings, becoming a programmer, attaining a new skill, perhaps finding a way to stabilize a chemical imbalance, or any other form of seeking distraction. Most people can shut themselves down, and ignore their problems - existential or otherwise. The ones who can’t ignore them and can’t find the strength or reconciliation to cope become mentally and emotionally crippled. Even the best of us break down at times when we can no longer avoid the issues.
I don’t think that escapism is a good solution. It seems to imply that by slapping a smile on we can become happy. Smiling isn’t happiness, just superficial. One can find about as much pseudo-happiness in crack. Which is why I find it ironic that many people also recommend turning to Buddhism, Zen, or the unmentioned Tao (personal favorite :D ) One of the tenants of these practices is becoming aware, and facing our fears and desires. Personally I wouldn’t suggest becoming a Buddhist of any sort, but I would suggest trying some of their practices such as the “Metta bhavana”, I think it’s possible gain all the information you can from the teachings of Buddhism from other places (read some Aesop’s Fables or something), but some things you can only gain from within yourself, which Buddhism helps with, however I personally wouldn’t start having faith that I’m going to be reincarnated a billion times over, nor would I recommend ascribing to any other religion (like you care what I think ;D ). Y’know what they say “Religion is the sign of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people.” ‘They’ being Karl Marx, but whatever.
Of course ‘existential dread’ (I’m pretty sure that’s the term we’ve been aiming at) is a problem that isn’t easily dealt with. The conclusion that usually pops up first is “There isn’t any meaning to anything so why bother.” (Question mark excluded purposefully) - the good ol’ ‘glass is half empty’ routine. Some say “Find meaning for yourself and that’s all that matters”, but it often seems flawed - at least to me - in that once you start looking at a bigger picture (that you’re a part of) which appears to have no meaning, you find your personal meaning destroyed by a larger meaninglessness, and end up at zero again (e.g. “our sun will one day become a Red Giant and engulf the entire earth, I thought… what’s the point in saving the planet if it’s just going be incinerated anyway?”). For being such incredibly intelligent beings we sure do jump to a lot of conclusions. I don’t know why we can’t just say the glass has 155 ml of water in it, presume for one second that we do not in fact know whether things are meaningful/less, and enjoy a good fart joke (they always get me :D ).
Unfortunately, I know it’s not that simple. I suffer horribly from this, and despite my easy answer, I realize it’s not so. I see all the suffering in the world and I live (in contrast) in absolute luxury (a trailer), and wonder where the justice in the world is. I find I tend to hold myself somehow accountable for the atrocities in the world. Hearing about events such as Darfur (to name one of many) always hurts me deeply. So, I think to myself ‘as long as I can make wherever I am a little better and a little happier, then it’s worth it.’, and I guess that’s good enough. :)
A penultimate note - a number of people seemed to like this quote > “I offer this story to everyone who has sought The Meaning Of Life and come away from the search empty-handed and depressed. You have been casting the net too wide, and instead of catching any fish, you’ve been trying to lift out the entire ocean. ” It seems like it’s saying ‘forget seeing the forest through the trees, the trees are all that matter’, which I can appreciate, but I find my answer to be more along the lines of “screw the boat, the net, and the fish, just jump in and swim around” :D
One of my favorite modern day philosophers is Alan Watts, and I think he captures an excellent sentiment with this > http://www.alanwatts.com/flash/lifemusic.swf
and this > http://www.alanwatts.com/flash/madness2.swf
(Both animations produced by the South Park guys)
Well, I hope I was fairly lucid.. I kind of rushed through this, and I hope you can gain something from it……
OK, I love you, bye-bye. :D
June 5th, 2007 at 11:08 pm
I can’t believe that none of the comments has mentioned activism. I believe it was Joanna Macy who said that despair is a sane reaction to an insane world. Despair is what calls us to action. It is not a sickness or something to “beat” with drugs or distraction. It shows us what we’re made of, reveals our humanity. In this day and age, we’re expected to be mindless consumers and not human beings. But despair can bring us back to life.
Trying to escape the world or descending into nihilism is just ignoring our humanity. Until we are actively engaged in work that seeks to make a difference, the despair will be overwhelming. It might be something as simple as truly loving our families and friends, or it might be full-on activist campaigning. It might be spiritual, or political, or vocational, or some combination of the three. It might be the way we live our daily lives, or it might be a grand quest we choose to pursue.
Someone mentioned trying to make their own corner of the world a little better, and that’s a good start. But those of us who have the capacity to see the horrors of the world also have the responsibility to work toward the end of those horrors, if only for the sake of our own sanity. Beautifying our little corner is not enough, because we see the horrors outside of our small sphere — that’s why we feel despair. Maybe we can’t end the genocide in Darfur, but we can open our eyes to the subtle genocide of poverty, and work to end that (not with charity, but through dealing with the structural causes of poverty). Or work on some other issue that calls us, that speaks to our humanity.
It’s taken me a long time to realize I can’t change everything, but I hold my despair at bay by constantly pushing the boundaries of my activism. How can I be of service to the world? How can I be of service to humanity? When I feel depressed at the state of the world, I can look at my own actions, and look at the actions of others, and know that the horrors will not go on forever, because there are people all over the world who are working in their own ways for the betterment of humanity. I can sleep at night because I know that I have done my best to ease the suffering of others, and I know that my work is part of a much larger global movement for justice and equality.
Yes, the world is eventually going to end. But until that day, we can make life better for all the world’s inhabitants. I would rather die in a global community than ina global concentration camp, and I would rather live fighting for a dream than in the depths of nihilist apathy. But everyone has their own choice to make. Choose wisely.
June 6th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Word man. Know exactly what you mean.
June 6th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Wow! Well maybe I’m missing something here, but isn’t Steve just experiencing the emotions that any intelligent, reasonably sympathetic human being does? Everyone gets depressed about stuff from time to time. It’s normal.
So, seems a bit irrelevant to me, and considerably over-analyzed.
Great blog on the whole though Steve. Keep it up!
June 6th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Jonathan,
I don’t know if many intelligent, reasonably sympathetic humans experience these thoughts. I’ve asked people and most of them look frightened when I ask them. Some attack you or ridicule you. You should see some of the hate mail I got on this one. Most of it calling me a pussy and to quit sniveling like a baby. There is much hostility directed at people who want talk about anything except the most trivial things or the material things. If in fact, what I have posted here, is fundamental to the human experience, why don’t more people talk about it?
I knew the attacks would happen and that was a major reason why I made the post - because in our society it is taboo to talk about these subjects. A freind who works in the medical industry, told me half the patients she sees are on anti-depressants, and she isn’t in mental health, she is a dentist. So I must ask… if 50% of the population is walking around medicated… why the taboo about talking about depression?
Why is it, impolite? What is it about our culture that punishes honesty in this area. What is the underlying fear? Strike at the root of it!
June 6th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Not a deep and meaningful comment, but I think that the fact that this sort of stuff upsets you is way better than if it didn’t bother you at all - better for society in general of course, not for you :)
June 8th, 2007 at 7:16 am
Hi
I have been working with Depression for 38 years.
There are two aspects about treating depression. How do we cure it? How do we prevent it?
They are not the same. No matter how we may cure depression this will not prevent depression.
Why is it so important to prevent depression?
Depression reoccurs. People who have the tendency to be depressed suffer from a permanent poor quality of life.
I no longer believe that Medications to be a panacea. They may cure depression. They do not increase quality of life.
But this begs a very serious question. When is someone depressed and not merely very sad? When do we cure? When do we prevent?
As a rule of thumb we can use functioning. If sadness is such that there is an objective limitation of functioning then we should address the problem as ’curing depression’.
If a person is sad but is not suffering a limitation in functioning then we should address the problem as ‘preventing depression’.
VNS, ECT, and Medications cure depression. They do not really prevent it.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, CBT, prevents it.
It really is as simple as that.
If you want a fuller insight into how CBT works, or how CBT can be offered online please refer to my free Online site http://www.myRay.com
If you wish to understand more about: Thoughts, feelings, emotions, moods, depression, what it means, what re your choices and how to choose please refer to my free online site http://www.MyDoctorExplains.com
Both sites, http://myRay.com and http://MyDoctorExplains.com are non commercial and free.
Use them as often and as long as you so wish.
With kindest regards.
Dr. Michael Benjamin,
Psychiatrist
June 8th, 2007 at 10:20 am
I can’t say I suffer from depression and don’t want to minimize your plight or take anything away from it, but it just never occurs to me to be truly depressed. I might get down and out over personal and social events in life, but nothing that is prolonged or I can’t overcome. My disposition by nature is optimistic. I wish I knew why.
I remember once reading a article by Carl Sagan, The Pale Blue Dot, that helped me put the grand scheme of life in perspective. I’ve added the link in the comment header from finding it on google.
In any event, It has always helped me process human events. I have empathy for others who suffer, but I don’t in any way feel compelled to save the world. All I can do is my little bit.
I feel we are all products of our creations and the circumstances we find ourselves experiencing are the results of choices made by our larger selves who have a great desire to experience the broad scope of human conditions and emotions.
Perhaps on a deeper level, we as humans cannot process the level of suffering we see in the world, but will ultimately understand the reasons why such experiences are nurturing from another perspective when we eventually return to the spiritual world.
June 8th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Hi Steve, that was a very heartfelt post. I too have gone down the spiral of what’s the use. I think it just happens sometime. If you follow the great teachers they all say it’s temporary.
Rather than deny what I’m feeling, I am learning to work through the feeling, then go for life. So the sun is going to envelope the earth one day, I’m going for life now. It gave me a new perspective on my moments and my time.
You ask why we punish honesty in this area. We’re afraid of thinking about it too much because we’ll be taken down the rabbit hole. Speaking from the experience of numbing myself with foods to avoid my feelings, I would have to say that facing them is rather scary and opening up the can of worms to even admit that that depth of sadness could exist is extremely difficult to face.
In Spirit,
Nneka
June 17th, 2007 at 5:52 am
Two pieces of advice.
I.
THOUGHT: All we have is NOW. (to quote the Flaming Lips,among others).
ACTION: Breathe.
—
II.
THOUGHT: Where there is Love, there is no Fear, and vice versa.
ACTION: Create.
peace and blessings,
Auk
June 20th, 2007 at 7:53 am
Steve,
It requires courage to write about this. You did it. Like you, I too hear a lot of this, “Why do you think about that shit? Please Stop.” or… “Quit being all philosophical and pass me a beer.” But now it doesn’t bother me. I don’t fight my thoughts anymore. I just accept. It reminds me that I am a human and I care. But just thinking and talking about it takes me into a spiral. To avoid it, best is to act on it. I try to do something that will help in reducing the cause/effects of such issues.
September 7th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
RISE is right. With all that is happening around us these days, how can one notice all this and not feel terrible. What’s the value of a fool’s paradise? What i feel is - it’s better to err on the side of caring too much than caring too little.
I suppose one can harden oneself - but there is true value in empathy, in keeping perspective on the whole issue and understanding how we are even unwittingly contributing to the misery around us. I know that sort of realization can often really get us down. I remember how upset I was when I saw Pocahontas when I was ten. I was shattered on discovering the irreversible brutalities that had been wreaked upon an entire race and culture, destroying a way of life which can never be reclaimed now. When the US first invaded Iraq in 2003, I couldn’t believe that a liberal democracy had operated on such a flimsy pretext. We could anticipate what would be the result of that piece of madness, what a piece of hell that land would become for all concerned. I was shocked, I couldn’t believe it had actually been done, I lost interest in everything that I had cared about for a while, I lost out on a lot academically. The future of man was not turning out the way we had envisioned at all. For all the progress we had made, such was the mentality of raw greed and power that it may as well be the first, not the twenty-first century.
Those were dark places and there have been worse places ever since as the times have continued to deteriorate. There was a line in Dr. Zhivago - these are terrible times to be alive. The same applies now. When there is so much suffering all around us, do we really have any right to be completely happy for any length of time. I don’t know. I just don’t want to be one of those frustrating people who say “switch the channel” or “pass the beer”. There’s a saying of the Prophet Mohammad’s that no one who has a good night’s sleep while his neighbour remains hungry is a true muslim. These days that technology has transformed far off events into the status of tragedies close to home in terms of knowledge and information, I believe that applies more than ever.
November 24th, 2007 at 11:55 pm
i feel the same way man
December 29th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I think anger and depression are correct responses to such horrific events and facts of life.Unfortunately it takes a long time to accept these types of things.
But you are not alone in your depression as long as you have your friends and family beside you to empathize with you.
February 9th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Wow, thanks for writing that. I go through very long bouts of existential depression.
When I was a kid I used to lie in bed and try to understand what it would feel like to be nothing, guess that was pretty stupid, but logical for a kid.
I also function pretty fine on a practical level when the depression hits but just don’t handle social situations very well in these times, piss off a lot of people by talking about things that people generally don’t care about.
I had the luck to meet one other person a while ago who was going through the same thing and it made a world of difference. I was getting sort of sick of meeting people who were atheist, but weren’t bothered by it. I couldn’t understand how there could be meaning in a world where existance was so fleeting. Everyone would just tell me ‘you just have to enjoy the moment Mariya, enjoy now, what other choice do you have anyway.’
I couldn’t agree with them and it made me feel worse that they said that. I realised months later the only way to get through it is to block it out, we constantly do the same with many other aspects of our lives (as you’ve pointed out with the hypocrisy of our social situations in relation to world ethical dilemmas). It seems like a cowards way out, but my friend made me feel better when I found out he does the same thing, and now I know so do many other people with the same spiritual views. It’s a sad truth.
Anyway I just wanted to say that whenever I feel really really depressed in this manner I read ‘Fear and Trembling’ by Kierkegaard. I think faith is an amazing thing, and I wish I believed in some higher power, I think fear and trembling gets that idea down pat :)
February 13th, 2008 at 3:06 am
Hey Steve
I think you’re brave for posting, I can’t see myself being so open about my thoughts. I feel ok giving personal examples in this case because I can remain anonymous ;)
When I found out that people ultimately die I remember crying and feeling helpless. The old ‘what’s the point of it all then’ idea troubled me when I was five.
During our first dissection prac (med school) I felt depressed seeing the cadavers, as I was once again reminded of the certainty of death.
Also, no matter how close we get to others we essentially go through life alone. No one will truly know who we are, what we feel and all of our thoughts for example.
Do we even have free will? If our actions are determined by a combination of our genes and environment, which is in turn influenced by other people’s genes and environment then perhaps we don’t. I probably don’t make much sense.
Sometimes I cry thinking about how unfair life is and how it will never be fair. I feel selfish for living the way I do when there are people starving to death. Today I walked past some ‘end poverty now’ volunteers while eating my lunch and it made me feel horrible. If we really cared about others we would donate all our luxuries and live on the very basics. However, even if I did that it would hardly make a difference in the big picture.
I’m still relatively young at 18, don’t even know if my experiences are associated with existential depression. When I feel sad about these issues I try to focus on the positives, or just hit the gym lol.
I’m glad I found your blog and I’m sorry that you actually received hate mail for posting! I guess some people have nothing better to do than wasting their time sending messages of hate.
Anyway, at least you have a fan right here.
February 28th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Oh my god.
I think the same way!
(And I’m sorry, I wanted to leave a longer and more substantial comment but I have an exam tomorrow.)
March 6th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Steve,
I also have had these thoughts, feelings and questions - thats how I found this article. I googled it. It helps to know that people feel the same way. Maybe this is just the way you transition and grow as a person. By re-evaluating the big picture. I dunno, there has to be a reason for everything…you may not see it now but if you take action like your doing, I think it will get you somewhere.
Thanks for writing!
Carly
March 11th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Everyone here might be interested in a systematic discussion of existential depression: See this portal on Existential Depression:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/P-DEP.html
Yours,
James Park, existential philosopher
March 13th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Almost my whole life existential thoughts have plagued me, sometimes I can’t do anything but sit in the dark and get through it. I’m no different than anyone else, I just have a harder time ignoring those questions so many people love to shun.
The pains you talk of - the pains of those in the news, the ones who are raped, beaten, and hurt in so many ways - are no longer an issue for me. It took a while but I realized somthing, that pain that is so bad is the same pain as everything else in the world. Its all relative. An example (for I doubt that made any sense) is this: When my car was broken into I felt a sense of loss, almost personal, and that feeling of loss is the same for when anything else in life is, will, or might be stolen from me. Maybe just muted…
Thank you for writing, I enjoyed your thoughts.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Suggested reading Eckehert Tolle The Power of Now and The New Earth. If you haven’t heard from Oprah’s t.v. show yet, I’d be surprised. I’ve been doing the online class and have read both books. It’s really helped me.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Funny- I was planning to reply with a few words about how much Buddhism helped me with that kind of depression. It seems I am not alone in that!
I am Christian now, but wouldn’t want to lose the insights I gained by practicing Buddhism. The Buddhist masters (especially Tibetan, in my view) seem almost contemporary in the way they address our concerns and have a remarkable ability to cross cultures.
April 29th, 2008 at 4:37 am
I don’t think existential depression can be cured or recovered from - why would you want to, even? Life is so much richer when you have existential depression.
Interestingly, most fields of clinical “treatment” of depression would very much treat existential depression as just about another usual, stress-triggered response - while this could be the cause for going into existentialist thought, it is not necessarily the normalisation we need or require. Rather, the integration, or understanding of this difference is what will help us cope with existential depression - minds once broadened cannot regain their original dimensions, can they?
Unreason - it is the operating procedure of the existentially-depressed. Perhaps the anti-psychiatry movement and Third Force in psychology of the 1960s brought to our awareness such a depression - one that is different from the status quo of the usual-depressed. Perhaps we are depressed more for the world than for ourselves.
Hurray to the “existentially-depressed”!
April 29th, 2008 at 7:35 am
The issue is how debilitating is it for you? There is some usefulness for it, if you use it to fuel positive change. However, to allow yourself to drown in the collective pain is purposeless. I tend to believe it only adds to the problem. I think it is a call for looking deeper into our purpose.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:05 am
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