Can you See Yourself as Others Do?
by Steve ----Bookmark on del.icio.us----In this post I will describe self-destructive things I have seen in other people, not to build myself up, but because I know I have these blind spots and you probably do too, and these stories may help us better understand each other. We all seem to have difficulty seeing our own weaknesses and destructive habits.
One of the most damaging weaknesses of the human species is our inability to see ourselves from another person’s subjective viewpoint, which makes it difficult to understand what is really going on.
All you can do is imagine how others see you. And as you imagine how others see you, it is easy for your imagination to develop damaging delusions. This apparent inability to see one’s self is a major contributor to a host of social ills. Let me give you some examples:
If you’ve ever dealt with a Type A alcoholic you know they have amazing powers of delusion (or denial). An alcoholic can lose his job, his money, his family, his friends, and his health, and still not be able to see that the problem is his own creation, while everyone around watches in utter horror and sadness as he destroys himself and everyone in his path. Everyone watching the alcoholic sees that he is harming himself, but the alcoholic sees others harming him. This can hold true for any addiction – gambling, sex, drugs, food, shopping – you name it. This immense power of delusion and denial is passed on in alcoholic families and manifests itself in family members that have never even had a drink.
The above is an extreme example, but I believe – to some degree – all of us suffer from the inability to see ourselves as we appear to others. We tend to dig in and defend our poor decisions, our self-imposed labels, our controversial opinions, and our nasty habits even when they are clearly causing us and others harm. Most of us feel that other people cause all the harm. But remember, other people feel the same way. Someone’s actions are causing it, right? So as long as we keep passing the buck nothing will change.
Earlier this week I was talking with an old friend who was recently fired from his job.
His story :
A co-worker challenged his authority and he had no choice but to defend himself or lose respect within the organization. Everyone took the co-workers side, conspiring against him and treating him unfairly until he was finally let go. He had no part in causing it; other people were to blame.
What I saw:
His slide started months ago when there was a conflict and he refused to back down and concede that the other person may be right. Since no one took his side, he began to believe everyone was gunning for him and he became defensive about everything. He lost all support from his co-workers and management. Eventually it was impossible to work with him and he was let go. He wasn’t fired because he was incompetent, he was the most qualified, responsible, and productive employee in the organization. He was fired because he became poisonous to the organization.
How he caused the problem…
When the conflict occurred, he drew a line – a black and white division. He then asked, are you with me or against me? Other people didn’t see it in black and white and no one joined him. Since he created an us vs. them conflict, he began to believe the people who didn’t join him, were against him, and developed a persecution complex. Based on his belief, he acted differently, becoming defensive, imagining slights, and he began to compare himself with everyone else. He noticed that people were treating him differently than they used to, which further entrenched his persecution complex. Eventually he became so defensive that he was impossible to work with and management let him go.
It isn’t just individual people that do this to themselves… families, departments, companies, and whole nations can dig themselves into a hole with black and white thinking.
I know another man whose spouse said, “I don’t understand why no one will talk to my husband anymore. He keeps losing his friends. Even his family seems to be avoiding him. I just don’t understand it.”
Both Christine and I know why. Everyone who knows this man knows why, except him and the people who are really close to him. They can’t see him the way everyone else does. He lectures everyone about controversial issues, painting them black and white, and then labels anyone who disagrees as an idiot. Who wants to listen to that for hours on end? Only an idiot.
But I know his viewpoint; I’m prone to the same behavior. I’m kinda doing it right now. He’s just trying to save us from our own stupid selves. If we understood, if he could reach us, if we’d accept his righteous indignation, then we’d see the light. He’s only trying to help.
But since he can’t see himself, he doesn’t understand that after a couple of hours of lecture, most people just want to run away and hide. No one likes to be lectured for hours about how screwed up the world is. It makes them feel depressed. Since no one wants to tell him what the problems is – his style, tone, subject matter, and opinions make people want to vomit, so people avoid him and he doesn’t understand why. He can’t see what he is doing to himself.
I used to work with a woman everyone avoided. She was always creating an “us vs. them” scenario.
Whenever someone tried to help her, she took it as an accusation of incompetence. She seemed to think that someone else’s intervention, good idea, or helpful hint threatened her, and she retaliated with accusations of persecution, unfairness, and conspiracy, so people quit helping. They began to avoid her. As she dug in deeper, she became more isolated which reinforced her fears that everyone was arrayed against her. So she tried to build allies, but no one wanted to go to war. They just wanted to get the job done. She found no allies for her ‘side’ and her area of influence withered while the rest of the company improved. Since she couldn’t see herself, she never understood that she was causing the problem. No one could tell her that she was the problem, because that would have only resulted in greater conflict and further defensiveness. Since the company leadership was unwilling to deal with her obstructionism, the rock stars left the company, and it never became the great company it could have become.
I know another person who has burned through six serious relationships, three of them marriages, and he doesn’t understand why he is so unlucky. But from the outside looking in it is obvious why he loses his relationships. He sets each one up exactly the same way and it unravels exactly the same way. I can see it and he can’t. But I certainly won’t tell him. Even if he asks, it is dangerous ground. It is dangerous to say – you’re doing this to yourself. You keep dating similar women and you have the same delusional expectations from them. The only way to change this pattern is to change yourself.
It seems so easy to see this in other people. You can watch them make foolish decision after foolish decision until they eventually crash and burn.
But how do we use our high powered perception of others and turn it inward, so we can see ourselves as we are and make substantial improvements to our lives? It seems like a much better use of our mental faculties, because I can’t change anyone of these folks I just described. I can only change myself. So how can I see myself? How am I sabotaging myself, my goals, my relationships, my family, my health, my environment? Where am I being unreasonable with others? Where have I thrown down the gauntlet and created a black and white conflict?
I’ll explore this more in upcoming posts. If you are interested please Subscribe to this feed.
August 13th, 2007 at 7:26 am
When I was 20, I was lucky enough to have a good friend call me out on being this one-dimensional annoying didactic feminist. I’m glad he told me, and I’m glad I was able to hear it.
I’ve been the relationship guy. I see what I did now, so it won’t happen again. The question is now how to have any sort of relationship at all now that I see what I do.
Great post.
August 13th, 2007 at 10:43 am
I think the crucial point is not seeing yourself as others see you — which we both know is practically impossible — but to possess the ability to doubt yourself. Are you right? Maybe? Not sure? Absolutely positive? These people you describe (and don’t I know a few of them myself!) are incapable of allowing themselves to be wrong; the cost to their psyche is too high. You are right about the black/white nature of it: wrong or right, us or them, me or you. To accept responsibility for yourself is a scary thing to do. Especially the ones who dig themselves into a trench, they keep digging even when all chance of success is gone. To stop would concede defeat…in their eyes. They cannot step back from their works and look at the damage objectively, because too much of their pride or self identity is wrapped up in it.
On a more personal note, this was something I had to learn the hard way. Finally I realized the most important part of this puzzle: how people treat you is generally more a reflection of who you are than who they are. There are exceptions (the arrogant, the damaged, etc.) but generally this is true. Your examples above show that clearly.
So for me the way I “see myself” is to look at how I am being treated, and accept that part of that treatment may come out of my own behaviors. I’m sure I’m still blind in areas. but ithis method has helped over the years.
I noticed for a while that co-workers and friends often treated me as if I were a kid, someone with no work experience at all who needed to be coached and lectured and directed. Drove me nutz. I’m nearly 40! I’ve had jobs for the majority of my adult life! Why was everyone being so condescending all of a sudden? Then I stepped back and realized that over the past couple of years I had made a couple of immature decisions, that I still lived what many people call an “immature” lifestyle (going out to nightclubs, etc.) and worked with in industries I had never worked in before. In short, I was presenting myself as immature and naive. I stopped mentioning my past failures, changed my behavior and what I told people about my “after hours”, etc. and soon I was getting respect. Not from everyone. But a lot of folks. It works.
August 13th, 2007 at 11:01 am
Self-reflection, is by far, the least sought out train of thought, and the most needed. If we were to spend more time analyzing who and what we are, not only would we be better defined as individuals but we would be able to sustain healthier relationships. People are incapable of “seeing” themselves. The fear of knowing ourselves can be paralyzing, after all who needs reality-it sucks. There are people who seek something in and from others yet are unable to put in simple words what it is they seek. It’s because they themselves don’t know what it is they seek, yet the expect the other person to provide it.
To “know” yourself is an incredible command.
August 13th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Very interesting stuff. This is a big problem in society IMHO, I like to think it’s part of the whole issue of accountability. Or lack thereof.
It’s tough to admit but I do recognize myself in some of your scenarios. I’m a realist and not afraid of admitting my mistakes but some areas are just tougher than others.
Part of dealing with a problem is admitting there is one. And that can sometimes be difficult.
AD
August 13th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
You are absolutely correct. We only have control over ourselves. It does no good to play the blame game, even if it is someone elses fault you usually can’t tell them that. Our focus then should be on our reactions and how we handle ourselves.
Keep up the good work! My curiousity is peaked, it will be interesting to see where you further exploration will take you.
August 13th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
We often need to fail (usually repeatedly) to look back and suddenly have realizations. Unfortunately, for some people, even though they keep failing at certain things, they still don’t inspect themselves. Maybe it’d help if we all have our own reality shows (that’s not scripted).
I look forward to future posts.
August 13th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
[…] Steve Olson and the self through the eyes of others. […]
August 14th, 2007 at 2:43 am
Very good post! Ive been thinking about that for a while and never really laid the whole puzzle. But now the final piece has been laid. The way of watching yourself is to know whats right and wrong. And since you easily know more of another person then its easy to get a picture of what that person thinks of you.
I find it easy to buy analyzing my life myself see what Im doing right and wrong. I think before I act. But not always, Im not only thinking, it a fine balance. Sometimes you must let your intuition make you act, but you should always act reasonable, and if in retrospect it was wrong - then you learned something.
You cant have all knowledge, but you have around 95% left of the brain to fill with knowledge :P
Thanks again for a great blog!
August 14th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Steve, this is so true. KimBooSan made a good point, that it’s not so much about seeing yourself how others see you, but using the feedback that you’re getting to look within and take responsibility for your part. It’s a very difficult thing to do because you realize that you are flawed, that the world isn’t black and white.
On the other hand, only looking at what people see presents a problem, as their perceptions are just that, perceptions. They are shaped by their thought patterns and experiences.
It’s a tough line to walk.
In Spirit,
Nneka
August 14th, 2007 at 10:27 am
A couple things came to mind while reading through this:
- an oft-quoted line from Robbie Burns:
O would some Power the gift to give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
I also thought of my favourite definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, expecting a better result each time.
You haven’t mentioned the role of personality disorders in the way people act the way they do. You have touched on a lot of narcissistic personality disorder traits in the people you’ve described.
I’m subscribing to your feed and looking forward to more.
cheers,
ian in hamburg
August 14th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Excellent post Steve.
I will be interested in following the many discoveries on your path to self awareness.
August 14th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Now this one hits home!
I have a friend who is the same way. He believes everyone in the past has hurt him when it’s really him that’s causing it all.
I’ve tried to show him this, but I fear it’s too late.
:(
August 15th, 2007 at 5:28 am
“We don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are”.
Anais Nin was spot on when she made the above observation.
1. I need to listen more than I speak.
2. I need to talk with people, not at them.
3. In order for me to be able to genuinely connect with people, I need to know how they see the world (or at least try).
4. I will learn more about someone by watching than I will by listening to them
(93% of communication is non-verbal).
5. Many people will tell me what they think I want to hear.
6. I can’t impose my values, beliefs or opinions on people.
7. I can have the best motives and intentions… and still hurt and offend people.
August 15th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
I already know that I’m most own worst critic. Deep inside, I know I’m a great guy, liked by most, loved by many. Due to persecution similar to that your wife went through in public schools, it pretty much stays deep down because the surface Ed is actually somewhat insecure.
As far as changing the bad habits and destructive behaviours that I have–unfortunately laziness is chief among them which makes it difficult to cure any of the other issues. Fortunately, none of my issues are very severe.
Another good entry, Steve.
August 16th, 2007 at 10:45 am
[…] 3. Acknowledging Your Weaknesses Can Be More Important Than Increasing Your Strengths. Voldemort’s downfall was his unwillingness to acknowledge his weaknesses. He was convinced that by increasing his power he would be able to overcome anything and everyone. Ultimately it was his inability to see his weakness that led to his end. While focusing exclusively on our weaknesses is not healthy or helpful, ignoring them is equally foolish. Know your strengths. Empower them and make them stronger. But also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. Strengthen those that can be strengthened and ask for help and support with those that cannot be. Ignore your weaknesses at your own peril. […]
August 19th, 2007 at 11:29 am
[…] Steve Olson has asked, ‘Can you see yourself as Others Do?‘ This is great because we all have our own subjective perspective. Again in NLP lingo we say, “The map is not the territory.” The territory is external objectivity, the map is our own interpretation of that reality. No-one on this earth is ’seeing reality as it is‘ - NO-ONE. Steve says, […]
August 28th, 2007 at 7:33 am
[…] Steve Olson. Com Ever since I blogged for B5Media on personal development I have been keeping up with blogs for entrepreneurs, business owners, and anyone else who really needs to keep a positive attitude. One blog I discovered this morning is Steve Olson’s. I really like this post asking if you see yourself as others see you. Great stuff. If we could give ourselves a break long enough to actual see the way other people view us we would often more than not find that we are pretty damned special. But most of us are too busy picking on ourselves for our weaknesses instead of concentrating on our strengths. Reading blogs like Steve’s can help us to remember not to listen to those negative voices inside of us. Bookmark to: Thank you for reading this post. You can now Leave A Comment (0) or Leave A Trackback. […]
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:17 pm
actually that was really a great post steve and i was really amazed, but u know what i think that if we reverse that all round, i mean not viewing ourselves from people point of view BUT making them view us from our own perspective , and so begin to force people to treat us the way we wanna it to be, making them learn how they should respect me for who i am and treat me like a princess, just as i can see myself and as i act ofcourse, and after that you may see how much will do what you wanna them to do for you and how much crossed that line, and begin to ask why at that instance but at that time its supposed to be peoples fault, orelse maybe you didnt convince yourself that you are really a precious , important and respected humanbeing , to convince them about it that much ?! anyway i would really appreciate it if you would see my point and reply me back, iam a new writer, and thats all from my mind, not based on any theories !